A very difficult Birthday today!

So, today marks the beginning of my 53rd trip around the sun!  While I don't normally consider my birthday to be a big deal, today was a VERY big deal, and very bittersweet!  For those that don't know, my sweet Abigail left today for a six month internship on a dairy farm in AUSTRALIA!  Moxey Farms is the largest single-site dairy farm in Australia with over 5,000 acres and more than 5,500 cows!    

Abby was considering going with our neighbor and friend, Alex, last year, but she was still in school and would have missed her brother, Aaron's wedding last October so she decided not to go.   Alex went alone and thoroughly enjoyed his experience, so much so that he really wanted Abby to have the same experience.  

Her timing and flight just happened to land on my birthday.  It's not that big of a deal, but I was definitely sad!   

We left for the Central Wisconsin Airport at about 12:30 for her 4 p.m. flight.  She's going from Wisconsin to Minneapolis to Los Angels to Sydney.  She will arrive in Sydney at 6:35 a.m. on Monday, June 11.  That will be 3:30 p.m. (central time) Sunday, June 10 here if I calculated correctly. 

We dropped Abby off and then I had to go and park.  Abby actually thought we would just drop her off and go!  I don't think so!  















Abby's been through this before, so knew how to check in. 

Abby spent a lot of time packing and weighing her bags, but wasn't sure how accurate the scale was.  The one bag was 51 pounds and the second bag was 44 pounds.  She did good, as 50 pounds was the limit without having to pay extra! 

It wasn't exactly busy at the airport today!  

We had to wait about 45 minutes for TSA to open. 

And then it was time for Abby to go through the TSA lines.  Abby is in the blue sweatshirt.

I miss the days when you could stay with people at the terminal and not say goodbye until they actually start to board!   I will admit, I cried.  It was really hard for me, and I am going to miss my baby so much!   I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime for her, and I'm incredibly proud of her and happy that she's doing this, but that doesn't mean it's easy for me.  

If you are so inclined, please say a prayer for Abby, the flight crew and everyone else on her plane for safe travels and an uneventful flight.  As I write this, she will arrive in Los Angeles in about another half-hour.  She has a two and a half hour layover in LA and then a 15 hour flight to Sydney.   

Godspeed, Abby!  We love you!!!!  

Peace to all, 

Julie

P.S., I received some lovely birthday gifts from Erica and will post those in my next entry.   Today, it's pretty much all about Abby.  I was also fortunate that Aaron and Rachel and Rachel's parents, Ann and Roger stopped for a visit at 7:30 this morning on their way to Minnesota for a week of fishing!  It was great to see them all!  

Taking Trees Down

We had a tree go down in our little woods a couple years ago, and never dealt with removing it.  We have a second very dead tree in the same area that needed to be taken down before a storm took it down and it landed on our roof.   I hadn't bothered to deal with it, as I wasn't sure who to call, and didn't want to spend a boatload of money.   I found out last week that a friend from church's husband has his own tree trimming and removal service!  How fortunate is that?!   They came over on Thursday to take a look at the trees and give us an estimate.  

Here's the tree that fell and needed to be taken out.  I had no idea how that would be done.  

I assumed (wrongly) that it would be cut down from where it was.  Boy, was I wrong.  I guess that's why I'm not the tree cutter downer person!  Adam Strey from Central Wisconsin Tree Trimming & Removal (715-223-0512) had other thoughts.  Adam tied a rope to the tree and to his truck and dragged it right out of there!  

It sounds bad, and it looks like some of the other trees may have been damaged, but they weren't!  Here's a short video: 

Next was to tackle the dead tree.  It's kind of hard to see, but it's the tall tree on the right where the bark is all white.  

First, Adam put a rope on the tree itself.   Then he attached it to another tree near where he wanted to lay it down.  That rope was then attached to the truck. 

And then there was some chainsaw action happening. 

Here's video of the tree coming down! 

And finally, we have "Chainsaw 101!"   Greg has never used a chainsaw before, so he asked Adam for some tips.  I'm not sure that he has the stamina to use one, but it's always good to have a professional give you tips on how to use what I consider to be a dangerous piece of power equipment! 

  

I bought this chainsaw a couple years ago, based solely on price.  We've had to use it a number of times since I bought it, so it was a good investment.  Adam said it was a pretty decent chainsaw, so I'm happy with my purchase!  

Now, of course, we have the job of cutting up the two trees.  We decided that we would do that, instead of having Adam do it, simply for cost reasons.  Our dear friend Nate enjoys playing with chainsaws, so he is going to come over tomorrow to help get it chopped up. 

If anyone in the area needs tree work, I HIGHLY recommend Adam.  He is fullly insured and gives free estimates and is very affordable.  Aside from tree trimming and removal, he can do onsite chipping, he has a 60' bucket truck, bobcat service and emergency storm service.   GREAT guy and wonderful family to deal with.  His office number is 715-223-0512

Hope everyone stays safe from any storms and this intense heat wave!  Just think, a month ago, we had 10 foot snowdrifts from three feet of snow!  

Prayers for all, 

Julie

Travel to the Big City!

In case you didn't know it, we are originally from Milwaukee.  Greg and I were both born and raised there.  This July will make 15 years that we've been living in the "Middle of Nowhere" that is the Mik Homestead.   We still have lots of friends and family in Milwaukee, so we usually travel there at least once a year, depending on what's happening.  This weekend was the first time we traveled to Milwaukee since last August.  I must say, I do NOT miss the City!   Sure there are a few things I miss, like friends and family and the shopping, but goodness, we have dirt roads up here that are in better shape than some of the paved city streets in Milwaukee!!!!  

Not only that, but then there is the TRAFFIC!  OH MY GOSH!  The traffic is AWFUL!   Maybe I'm remembering things with rose colored glasses, or just not remembering at all, but for crying out loud, the traffic is horrible!  And add the construction to that and well, it just STINKS!  

Between the construction (let's go ahead and close off the ramp for everyone wanting to go South on 94 and make everyone take 894.  Sure, that makes sense!)  and the traffic, EGADS!   This picture doesn't begin to show how awful the traffic really was, but it's all I have, so you'll just have to take my word for it!  

We attended the wedding of the daughter of my very best and dearest friend, Cheri.  Courtney was a beautiful bride and the wedding was fantastic!  We had a lot of fun and enjoyed fabulous friends and lots of amazing food!   

Before we left Milwaukee, we stopped to visit Aunt Gladys.  We try to visit with her every time we come down.  She is the oldest remaining member of Greg's mom's family.  When we visited last August, she was not doing well, and even though she didn't recognize us this time, she is doing so much better!  We are blessed to still have her with us!   Joe and Kristen met us there last time and this time and their daughter, Meredith was able to join us as well.  Paul (in front in the green shirt) is Greg's cousin (one of Aunt Gladys' sons) and lives at the assisted care facility with Aunt Gladys.  We were pleasantly surprised when Monica and Tom showed up (as were they!  Monica was looking at me as though I had three heads!  LOL).  It was really great to be able to spend time visiting and catching up with Greg's family!  

I should have mentioned that we stayed with my mom while we were in Milwaukee.  She moved back there a couple years ago and has a cute little house that is just perfect for her!   It was nice to be able to spend some time with her and go out for a fish fry on Friday.    

Greg is now 6 weeks sober, and things are going very well as far as that goes.  He is scheduled for another surgery on Tuesday (May 15, 2018), and I will post about that more after the surgery.  It's supposed to be a fairly simple surgery, but with his pacemaker/defibrillator, any surgery can be dangerous.  Please keep him in your prayers. 

Just to reiterate the whole "traffic" issue -- here's a picture of the kind of traffic I'm used to these days!  This is Highway 29, about 20 miles from our home.  Gotta love that!  

Hope all is well with everyone!  Blessings to all!  

Julie

The Big Reveal! DIY Farmhouse Laundry Doors!

I posted a teaser on Facebook last week about my latest project, and it's finally done!  I found some really cool projects on Pinterest to re-do bi-fold and hollow-core type doors without costing an arm and a leg and without having to buy new doors.   The one that I liked the most was creating "farmhouse" style doors on bi-fold doors.   The place I wanted to change the most was at the entry, and the doors in front of our washer and dryer.    Here is a before picture, when I first decided to paint the doors.

They're pretty ugly, eh?  In case you're wondering, the darker door on the left is the newly painted one.   














The first thing I had to do was cut the strips out of 1/4" plywood.  Using anything thicker would have made the doors much too heavy.  I'm not a fan of saws, so Greg cut these for me on the table saw. I then had to paint them.  I decided on paint, instead of stain, because all of the other wood in our kitchen is painted.  Because these are not "perfect" there are sometimes a bit of a space between the boards.  























I lined it all up and decided that the dark paint underneath wouldn't work, so I basically painted "stripes" on the doors where the strips would be meeting. 

Then it was time to glue the boards to the doors.  I decided to use some small finish nails to help hold the boards down (and not need clamps), and to add a bit of authenticity to the doors. 

After adding the main boards, I added the rest of the "decorative" boards.   Abby was a big help, and made all of the more difficult cuts that needed to be done!  She is a totally awesome worker and will just keep going and going and going when she wants to get something done and done correctly!  

I think the hardest part was making the crossbucks for the bottom of the door.  Abby spent a good deal of time getting the angles just right and made lots of cuts on sample pieces.   We didn't have any exact plans, as the Pinterest post I based this on didn't have that sort of information.  Every door is different, so I'm not giving any measurements, either.  

We have to make a few more adjustments on the doors to have them line up properly, but for the most part, they are done!  I am SO pleased with this and could not have done this without the help of Greg and Abby!  I have two more doors in the kitchen that I plan to do in this style.    I'm thinking about painting the trim the same color as the door, but haven't come to a final decision on color for that just yet, but I'm not happy with the darker color. 

So, there you have it!  The doors are basically done and I'm thrilled with how they look!  So much better than the original doors.   Hope everyone else is enjoying their projects! 

Blessings to all! 

Julie

More Tests and Surgery in Greg's Future!

It seems to never end for Greg.  As usual, if it's not one thing, it's another.  We are now at the point of one thing AND another!   A few weeks ago, I went with Greg to see an immunologist.  He's had so many sinus infections, even after his sinus surgery that there has to be something going on.  He's had a compromised immune system ever since his bone marrow transplant (on April 12, 2000 -- 18 years ago!), which is completely normal.  His immune system was destroyed by the high dose chemotherapy and total body radiation he had back then.  That is what they have to do in order to give you a *new* immune system from your donor.  In Greg's case, that was his brother, Tommy.  A perfect match!  

So, because he kept getting sinus infections, even after the sinus surgery, we decided to visit the Immunologist to try and figure out if there was something going on with his immune system.  He had blood work done and eight vials were taken.  Some of the tests were specialized enough that they had to be sent to Utah!   

The immunologist advised that two out of the three things they look at with regard to his immune system were low (sorry, I can't remember what they were).  And not just a little low, or near normal, but kind of low, but VERY low.   The first thing he wanted to do was give Greg a pneumococcal pneumonia vaccine, because he's never had one.  He did have a pneumonia vaccine a while back, but never the pneumococcal vaccine.  

The doc said that that can potentially help with the sinus issues and chest congestion, etc.  In about five weeks, Greg will have more blood tests done, and, assuming the results are the same, he may be a candidate for what's called IVIG treatment.  Basically, it is an intravenous treatment that delivers immunoglobulin (found in plasma) donated from healthy people to Greg to boost his immune system.  It can take as many as 1,000 individual plasma donations to treat one patient for a year! (Holy crap!)   Treatment is generally every 3-4 weeks and is usually VERY expensive.  Nearest estimates I can find are anywhere from $5,000 to $30,000 per treatment!  I'm not sure how long a person needs to continue treatment, but that is something we will find out if this is what is recommended for Greg.  

Next, we saw the oncologist to get the results of the CT scan and Nuclear CT Scan that Greg had on Wednesday.  The scans were of his parathyroid glands.  There are four glands behind the thyroid -- they have nothing to do with the thyroid though.  Those glands are located in the neck and control the body's calcium levels.  They are about the size of a grain of rice.   When a person has hyperparathyroidism, one (or more) of the parathyroid glands is basically an overachiever.  They produce too much calcium.  The other glands should compensate by producing less calcium, but with hyperparathyroidism, the other glands continue to produce calcium, so the body has too much calcium. 

Some of the symptoms of hyperparathyroidism that are currently affecting Greg are:  

• Excessive urination
• Tiring easily or weakness
• Depression or forgetfulness
• Bone and joint pain
• Frequent complaints of illness with no apparent cause

The "cure" for this is to simply remove the overachieving parathyroid glands.  So, Greg will be having yet another surgery to have the two parathyroid glands on the left side removed.  Most patients report almost immediate results from the surgery, even going so far as to report feeling better while in recovery!  This could be a huge game changer for Greg and explains so many things that he is currently dealing with!   

So, that is what happened today.  I apologize for not getting this out sooner, but seeing as we were in town, we had to do some shopping, and then had to make dinner, etc.  

As far as other issues, Greg is now about three weeks sober and things are going well.  It's not been easy, but it's a lot harder when he's drinking.  So, all is well.  Prayers that he is able to continue with his sobriety are certainly appreciated!  

As always, I'll keep you updated on all the going's ons here at the Mik Homestead!    

Blessings to all! 

Julie

Craft Room Renovation!

Christmas exploded in my craft room this year, as it does every year.  And every year, I clean it up, but everything gets kind of shoved around and is never quite as organized as I would like.  I decided it was time to really get it organized, so I spent some time (way too much time) on Pinterest looking for craft room organization ideas.  Oh my, oh my, oh my!  I wish I had all the money I needed to really make it spectacular, like some of those on Pinterest, but I must say, I'm pretty darned happy with the way it turned out, and I spent less than $100!   

We'll start with the "before" picture -- as I said, Christmas exploded, and who has time to clean up their craft room when they're still doing stuff in there, and working and putting in 60 hour work weeks?  Certainly not I, so no judging, please!  

The first really cool thing I found on Pinterest was to add a sheet of pegboard to the wall.  HEY, we have pegboard from when we had our store!   I really like renovations that don't cost anything!  YAY!  We took a full sheet and cut it down to the size I wanted for my wall.  

I started adding some baskets and stuff to it, as I tried to figure out exactly how I was going to organize things.  I didn't have hooks for the baskets, so I ended up using wire.  Have you any idea how hard it is to feed a wire through a hole that you can't get to from behind?  Yea, it took a while! 

The next thing I added was the cube shelving below the window here.   You know how, when your reorganizing a room or closet, it always gets worse before it gets better?  Well, this is the worse!   Believe it or not, but this is actually progress!  

More mess! 

I did end up buying some hooks for the pegboard, because we didn't have the kind of hooks I wanted.  Along with the hooks, I bought some magnetic strips for holding tools.  I have one of them hanging on the wall next to the pegboard and have some of my tools hanging on it. 

I had a lot of these silk flowers in the closet, but then I would forget what I had, so it's better to have them out in the open and readily available.  

All my spray paint is in the shoe organizer on the back of the door.  I also rolled the ribbon and used stick pins to keep it all from just hanging down willy-nilly.   It looks much neater that way. 

In this picture, I also have new curtains hanging!  These are a really cute red with white polka dots.  I made them for Erica's apartment, and they won't work with her new place, so I cut them down and hemmed them to fit my window!  In between the cubes and the 3 drawer bin is a bag full of deco mesh for making wreaths and stuff.  I used one of those big zippered bags that a bedding set comes in.  Those bags are awesome and I never throw them away!  

Along with all the organization that you can see, what you can't really see is the clear plastic boxes on the white shelves and on the blue three drawer cart next to the wooden file cabinet.  Those are filled with scrapbooking papers and stickers.   I organized all the paper by color (tones) and combined things like Christmas paper with Christmas stickers and placed them in extra large zip lock bags that will fit 13x13 paper that I found on Amazon and then placed them in the plastic boxes that I also found on Amazon.  Now, when I want to scrap a Christmas page, I can just grab that pack from the box and I'm all set!  It took a few hours just to sort through all that, but everything is easy to find now, so it will save time in the future.  

I'm so happy with how my craft room turned out!  I didn't take any pics inside the closet, but that is all cleaned out, too.  All the wrapping paper is organized, and in my OCD state, I even rubber-banded every single role of wrapping paper!  Yea, sometimes, I surprise even myself!  HA!  

Oh, and just because I feel like whining, here is a picture of our neighbor plowing the foot of snow we got on Monday, April 2nd!  APRIL and we got a foot of snow!  A total of 17 inches in three days!  What the heck?!  

Hope all is well with everyone.  In case you're interested, Greg is now three weeks sober.  In between my last post and this one, he ended up having sinus surgery.  I will post about that another day.  Things are going better and I appreciate all the calls, emails, texts and other messages of support and love from everyone!  Let's continue to pray that he is able to stay sober.   

Peace to all! 

Julie 

Life with an Alcoholic . . .

Bitch.  Witch bitch.  Undesirable.  Unloved.  Those are all words he used to describe me in a drunken tirade today.  Nothing new about that.  I’ve heard it all before.  Many times.  Too many times.  Just about every day lately.  This person who said two years ago that God healed his alcoholism.  I believe He did.  But he let Satan back into his life.  He wants to speak to God.  He tells me that God tells him I’m a bitch and a rotten, nasty person.  Fortunately for me, I know my God is a loving God.  That’s not who is speaking to him.  It’s Satan.   

He went to the dump this morning (we live in the middle of nowhere and have to take our garbage to the dump, which is only open Saturday mornings) and was supposed to get sawdust for the chicken coop.  Instead, he stopped somewhere to get his 16 oz. 8% alcohol Steel Reserve that he likes so much because it gets him wasted really fast, especially when he drinks a whole can in two or three gulps then drives around a while, while drinking it so he can come home and pretend he’s sober.  But I’m just a witch bitch.  Against my better judgment, I did follow him outside earlier, and of course, he was out there trying to hide his drinking.  I assume it was the second or third can.  I don’t know for sure.  I don’t know where he got the money, but it wasn’t from me.  I didn’t yell.  I didn’t scream.  All I did was ask how many more he had hidden so I knew how drunk and nasty he was going to get.  He pretended to not know what I was talking about and said he wasn’t drunk. 

I joined Al-Anon earlier this week and I’ve already changed.  I refuse to let him push my buttons any more.  I can’t take it.  He’s either been sick or drunk for almost our entire 28 year marriage.  I’m done being his verbal punching bag.  I’m not going to let it bother me.  When he started in today, MercyMe and Third Day came to my rescue, along with a great pair of headphones that drowned out his nastiness.  When I wasn’t responding to his taunts, he sat in my chair at the table, put his foot up on the table and watched me taking the lights off the Christmas tree.   He just sat there and watched.  I don’t know if he tried talking to me, because Third Day was telling me to trust in Jesus and MercyMe was telling me to listen to God speak.

He finally got bored, so went to finish mopping the kitchen floor.  According to him, he was doing MY work because I was too lazy to do it.  Mind you, I’ve been sick all week and still managed to work 9 hours every day.  I even worked 6 hours this morning.  But he has to do MY work because I’m not doing it and that’s just not right.  At one point, because I had my headphones on and wasn’t paying attention to him, he took one of the dogs’ toys and threw it at me, hitting me in the shoulder.  I turned around, took my headphones off and he said “I love you.”  I put my headphones back on and ignored him.  He’s passed out in his office at the moment, so I have blissful silence for now.  At least until he wakes up.   He sleeps in his office.  I keep my bedroom door locked at night.  I don’t want him in there when he’s been drinking.  He’s not physically violent, but I don’t trust him when he’s been drinking and I don’t want him stealing money out of my purse.   Sad, but true.  It’s the life of the wife of an alcoholic. 

I stopped talking about his drinking to my friends and family a long time ago.  I’m sure they were sick of hearing about it and wondering why I stay.  I wonder that myself.  I hardly talk to anyone any more.  Classic victim of abuse.  He’s managed to alienate me from my friends without even trying.   It’s embarrassing – being married to someone so out of control.   He says I don’t have any friends because I’m a witch bitch.  He says my family (sisters and brother) don’t want to have anything to do with me because I’m a witch bitch.  According to him, my children don’t like me and want nothing to do with me.  Today, he told me that my (our) grandchildren will not want to have anything to do with me because I’m such a witch bitch and that I’m mean, like my own grandmother was.  The grandchildren will run to him and say they’re scared of me.  He says his family doesn’t like me because I’m a witch bitch.  He told me that his sister has never liked me (due to the stupid drugs we did way back when we were first together, that were of course all my fault).  I had no idea his sister never liked me.  When we were separated and he got his pacemaker in Milwaukee, she refused to tell me anything that was happening with him.  So I guess it’s true.  I’m sure he told her the same kinds of horrific stories about me that he told everyone else.  Of course, the whole “witch bitch” thing, but I’m controlling, and nasty, and every other horrible thing you can think of.  Once he started to sober up, he never bothered to tell anyone that that was his drunkenness talking.  So I’m guessing that they all believe his horrible stories.  I wonder if they ever wonder why he came back to me, begging me to let him come back home.  If they really believe all those nasty stories, then they are in as much denial as he is.   

He is what is called a “high functioning” alcoholic.  He doesn’t drink when he has to go to work.  And he’s managed a lifetime of working without drinking until he’s done working.  Alcoholics are really adept at that.  They save their drinking and nastiness for the people that love them the most.  Isn’t that kind! 

The last straw was last week when I caught him in the basement drinking straight out of a bottle of vodka.  I had to wrestle it away from him.  I dumped it in the sump pump crock and he had a fit.  That was it.  I finally saw myself clearly.  I am not going to do this any more.  I can’t do this any more.  I joined Al-Anon and discovered myself.  I told him that I’m not going to hunt for his booze any more.  I’m not going to take it away from him any more.  I’m not going to make his problem my problem any more.  With his heart issues, if he had drunk that whole bottle, he’d probably be dead.  There’s nothing I can do to stop him.  If he wants to drink, he is going to drink.  He will find a way to drink.  The only way I can deal with it is to finally allow him be in control of his own actions instead of trying to control what I have no control over.  I have to constantly remind myself that I am powerless to try to control him.  I think I’ve finally realized that.  There is no doubt in my mind that one morning, I am going to wake up and he will not.  And I will cry.  I will cry for the hate that he allowed into his life that ultimately destroyed him 

It may seem like I’m airing “dirty laundry” but I’m not.  I’m sick of hiding.  I’m sick of being ashamed.  I have no reason to be ashamed.  I have no reason to be embarrassed.  Alcoholism is his disease, not mine.  He owns it.  Not me.  He controls it.  Not me.  My life was turned upside down this year when he was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer in March.  I spent every minute of my paid time off going with him to appointments and making sure everything was taken care of properly.  That’s what a good wife does when her husband is diagnosed with cancer for the third time.  The insurance company spent almost half a million dollars on saving his life, and he’s trying to kill himself with  a $1.27 can of malt liquor. 

I am not a witch bitch.  I am not unlovable.  When I cry, it’s because I’m crying for what could have been.  For what should have been.  And I wonder why God decided that this is what my marriage should be.  When I see other people in happy, loving marriages, it makes me want to cry.  I watch stupid Christmas movies on TV because I want to see, no, I NEED to see, that there is hope.  Even if it’s only a stupid Christmas movie.  I need to see that things aren’t always as they seem.  That life can and does work out just the way God intends it to.  As a kid, there were times I seriously thought about suicide.  I can’t count the number of suicide notes I wrote.  I remember when we were at the Grand Canyon.  I was about 10 (I think).  As I stood there on the edge of the canyon, on the precipice, all I could think was that no one would care if I just leaned over and fell in.  I just wanted to fall in and be done.  And then, I heard my mother tell me to stand back and not be so close to the edge.  I’ve been close to the precipice many times in the years I’ve been married to him.  And I’ve managed to drag myself back.  I’ve taken my anger at him out on our children.  I’ve taken my anger at him out on myself.  I’ve taken my anger at him out on God.  I’ve been angry with everyone and for that I apologize.  I need to find happiness.  I need to find joy.  After over 30 years with him, I’ve finally come to the realization that my happiness is not dependent on anyone but myself. 

I’m tired of hiding.  This alcoholism is not MY choice.  It is HIS.  I cannot control him, and I refuse to hide any more.  My blog is probably not going to be fun to read and if you made it this far, thank you!  I find writing to be very cathartic.  And, like always, if I can help someone else who is dealing with the same thing I am dealing with, then there is a reason for me telling the world about how this insidious disease has wreaked havoc on my life and the lives of my children.  It is what it is.  Life is not all happy, happy, joy, joy.  It’s messy and it’s dirty, but we only talk about the dirt behind closed doors.  It’s time to put a stop to that and if it means that I’m the one that has to step out on that ledge, then so be it.  I trust that He will make all things right for me and has a grand plan that will make all this pain worthwhile.  I am not a bitch.  I am not a witch bitch.  I am not undesirable.  I am not unloved.  I am a beautiful and loved child of the Most High God and nothing he says will ever change that. 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
enjoying one moment at a time; 
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will; 
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next. 
Amen.