Cancer REALLY Sucks. I'm sick of this!

It has begun.  Greg can no longer eat.  After three weeks of radiation, his throat is just too sore and it's too hard to swallow.   They told us this was going to happen, but you never think it's really going to happen to you.  He's been doing so well these last three weeks, I think we really thought he would continue to beat the odds and be able to eat throughout his treatment.    This makes me so sad.  One thing I love to do is cook.  I'm an awesome cook, if I do say so myself!  BUT, anyone who eats here will certainly agree with me!  It's how I show love to my family and friends.  I like nothing more than having my family tell me dinner was good!  And now we're down to this for Greg. 

That Osmolite 1.5 is what will be his "food" for the foreseeable future.   I don't even know how I can cook anything and enjoy eating it knowing he can smell it and want to eat it, but just can't.  That's is going to REALLY suck.   At least when he had his transplant (bone marrow), during the week or so that he couldn't eat, he was too sick to want to eat, and he wasn't at home smelling everything I was cooking. Not so this time.   How could that NOT suck?   I try so hard to not complain and to be there for him, but I have to say, this time it's really affecting me, and I feel like a jerk for feeling bad because he can't eat my food. I mean, seriously.  HE CAN'T FRIGGIN' EAT, and I'm whining about how it feels to me to not be able to cook for him.  How pathetic is that?   Really makes me feel like crap.   I will never, even if I live to be 150 years old, come close to being as amazing as my husband is.  Yes, he makes me crazy at times, and we've had our really bad moments, but oh my.  I cannot believe his attitude when it comes to dealing with cancer.  This is the THIRD time he's had cancer, and every time he totally amazes me!   I guess that's our Lord in action, and I guess that I just need a smack upside the head by Him.  Or, maybe this cancer WAS my smack upside my head -- to get me to appreciate the husband God gave me?  I just don't know anymore.  I. Just. Don't. Know.

I'm in a bad place right now, and it's not just this.  I don't know where to turn anymore.  I know who is there for us and who is not.  I know it's not very Christian, and I can't help it, but I will certainly remember who was there for us and who was not.   It's amazing how many people are too afraid to actually follow-through with their promises. So, that's it.  You know who you are.  And if you see yourself here, maybe you should look at your heart.  One day, things are not going to be all rosy for you and you will reap what you sow.  The only difference is that I will still be there for you, even though you were not there for me.  

Blessings to all, 

Julie 

If you feel led to assist financially:  Greg's GoFundMe